Let’s all take a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that it is already September. I think I spend the first week of every month baffled by the date. On to the films!
Before I Go to Sleep
Colin Firth continues his recent trend of being in not very good thrillers by co-starring in Before I Go to Sleep; a not very good thriller starring Nicole Kidman as a woman who can’t remember anything beyond her most recent night’s sleep. Like Memento but bad.
The Hundred-Foot Journey
Chocolat director Lasse Hallström continues his trend of making mediocre films about French towns who get upset about a new food provider opening up shop with this story of an Indian family who move to France and sell Indian food. The cheek of it! Helen Mirren stars as a French person and reviews are TERRIBLE.
Surprisingly in this film about a couple who accidentally share their sex tape via the cloud we do not see Jason Segel’s penis. If you would like to see Jason Segel’s penis then I suggest you watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you would like to read more about “the cloud” then I suggest you read the Daily Mail. If you would like to see sexual images accidentally shared via the cloud then expect a stern letter from Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyers.
Downton Abbey‘s Dan Stevens has lost the puppy fat you never knew he had and has become an all American beefcake. The Guest is a throwback thriller with a song in its heart that wants to entertain you. I liked it and my opinions are valid and should be heard.
Life of Crime
Jennifer Aniston used to be famous. Ask your parents. Now she stars in a comedy crime caper about a kidnapping gone awry (I can hear you chuckling just at the thought of it) that is only out in key cities. People used to cut their hair to match hers and now Odeon is turning her away.
“A look at the life and music of Nigerian singer Fela Kuti.” What else would it be?
They Came Together
A spoof romantic comedy from super-comics Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd. Some people seem to love it, while others hate it. If only there were a spread-based metaphor for this type of film. Either way it can’t be any worse than Alyson Hannigan’s Date Movie.
A young couple move from London to an isolated farmhouse on the Scottish borders. As you might imagine they aren’t warmly received and horror unfolds. We can pretend this is a comment on Scottish independence if that makes you feel better.
“A documentary on how water shapes humanity.” Could be the best thing you see this decade. Could bore the knees off you. Let me know.