Out Now – 16th November 2012

Twilight family

For some strange reason, there aren’t many films going out on general release this week. If you don’t want to see the sparkly bloodsuckers, you’re most likely going to have to commit to subtitles or a music documentary.

UPDATE: I completely forgot that critically acclaimed Paul Thomas Anderson film The Master gets its nationwide screenings today as well. This is what happens when distributors confuse me with staggered release dates.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
And finally, we are done! Bella and Edward are safely married and have had their possibly vampiric baby, which means further sexiness is now permissible. I assume that if you’ve stuck with the previous four films, you’ll probably want to round them off with this one. If not, just carry on – nothing to see here.

Shirley, mother of five daughters all convinced they have mental illnesses, cracks herself and is sent to an asylum. In a fit of brilliant parenting, her husband employs a terrifying hitch-hiker (played by Toni Collette) as their new nanny.

Son of Sardar (limited release)
Bollywood action film about a family feud, including brothers who’ve sworn off ice-cream and cold drinks until they avenge their father’s death.

Amour (limited release)
Retired music teacher grandparents, Georges and Anne, have their elderly love tested when Anne suffers a stroke. Probably not a first date movie.

Happy Happy (limited release)
Kaja is happy despite a disinterested husband, at least until the perfect couple moves in next door. Uh oh!

Jason Becker: Not Dead Yet (limited release)
Documentary about Jason Becker. Who’s not dead yet. However, he does have the paralysing Lou Gehrig’s disease yet still manages to make music with his eyes. Yes, yes, very impressive, although is it really as much of a show of fortitude as me typing this post after burning my hand on my mushroom soup yesterday? It is? And I’m trivialising such achievement with my flippant remarks? Ah. Sorry about that.

Hit So Hard (limited release)
Speaking of trivialising musical achievements, another documentary but this time following Patty Schemel, who drummed with Hole, and her struggles with fame and addiction. Apparently she walks dogs now.

The Pool (limited release)
In Goa, a boy living in poverty becomes obsessed with a private swimming pool and the family who own it.

Up There (limited release)
Martin is fed up with his job welcoming the newly deceased into the afterlife, until he loses someone. So instead of going “up there” he has to come “down here” to track them down.

Out Now – 18th November 2011

Nicholas Cage continues to make terrible films with this action thriller in which his wife, played by the ever-bland January Jones, is captured forcing Cage to employ a vigilante group. Why does Guy Pearce keep making such erratic film choices?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
OMFG, Bella and Edward totally get married at last!!! I was a die-hard Team Jacob fan but at least this leaves him for the rest of us, right girls?! I hear Bella and Edward have mad crazy whoopie and she gets all pregnant with a demon or something. CANNOT WAIT!! Lolz

American Cheerleader Secrets (limited release)
This American sex comedy was released in the US last year but only on DVD so it is bizarre that it is getting a limited release in Apollo cinemas here in the UK. “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.” It’s an 18… what more do you need to know?

How to Stop Being a Loser (limited release)
Be careful who you invite to see this with you. Advertised as the British Hitch, a synopsis the trailer fully supports, this comedy features all the people you’ve ever seen on mediocre British TV shows. Man, I hated Hitch.

Magic Trip (limited release)
In 1964 Ken Kesey and the Merry Prankster took a road trip across America in a rainbow school bus. Footage shot at the time has now been edited into a documentary. I wish I knew who Ken Kesey and the Merry Prankster were without having to Google them.

Snowtown (limited release)
Telling the true story of serial murders in an Australian suburb, Snowtown is grim, disturbing but excellently made. I think it is a brilliant film, but wouldn’t pick it for a fun film on a Friday night.

Special Forces (limited release)
Diane Kruger stars as a French journalist in Afghanistan who is kidnapped by the Taliban.

Welcome to the Rileys (limited release)
As strategic release for this indie film trying to ride on Twilight‘s coattails. When you’re done watching Kristen Stewart marry a vampire why not watch her play a prostitute being saved by James Gandolfini?

Out Now – 9th July 2010

There are a good few films out this week on limited release that are likely filled with substance and artistic intent but I know nothing about any of them and am caving in the the commercial behemoth that dominates the day.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

All the true Twilight fans will have already seen the film during it’s previews last weekend but I’m sure thousands will clamour to cinemas this weekend to see Edward brood and Jacob take of his shirt to reveal his only just legal torso. This has the honour of being regarded as the best of the saga so far but even if that is true you won’t catch me buying a ticket. With just seven months between the previous film and this, I can’t see how a movie of any real quality can have been made.

Forget the cinema this weekend. Go outside, see some old friends and have a barbecue. Maybe watch some DVDs in the evening, a foreign horror perhaps. Just don’t get sucked into a film where vampires sparkle.

Vampires Suck – Trailer Dissection

A bad trailer this week for a parody, and I use the term loosely, of Twilight called Vampires Suck. The film follows in the fashion of the later Scary Movies and their offspring in looking unfunny and lacking any wit. Waht happened to the Airplanes and Top Secrets of satire?

Watch the trailer below then come inside as I show you precisely why this film will be bad as I strive to create “original content”.

And now let’s get our teeth stuck in… (ahahahaha) Continue reading

Twilight Gets Scary, No Thanks to Twilight

Uhoh, before they could even reach terrifying amounts of angst Twilight fans have been getting a bit too frightened in American cinemas. Apparently the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 which is shown with the film is just too frightening to be shown with the film and people are complaining. It has even been pulled from cinemas in Texas.

I’ll admit the trailer is scary but to go see a film about vampires and werewolves and then complain when you get scared? Grow up.

Kristen Stewart – Vampires = Flop

I don’t know about you but I heard endless amounts about The Runaways during it’s production and up to its release. There were production stills, on-set photos and endless interviews with everyone’s favourite angsty actress Kristen Stewart and it looked like the true Twihards would be flocking out in droves to support the actress they managed to get the Orange Rising Star award at this year’s BAFTAs.

Oddly though as The Runaways ended it’s run in America this week it had taken just $3,626,540 worldwide. Admittedly it was only on limited release but it got a lot of buzz and the Twilight connection brought it plenty of attention so there’s no reason it couldn’t have built up to more screen and made at least its budget back.

This could reveal that Twilight is all about the franchise itself and not the actors within it. Stewart has been shown to have little to no audience drawing power on her own, though perhaps her male counterparts would fare better as they are more often the target of the seemingly endless supply of screaming fangirls. It’s a shame really as Kristen Stewart is a good actress, Twilight aside, and has been in some good films. She just probably shouldn’t be the biggest name in her next feature.

Bill Condon Sells Out

It’s official, Bill Condon has agreed to direct the two part finale to the Twilight saga Breaking Dawn.  Let’s see what everyone is saying about that…

Erik Feig from Summit Entertainment says: “Bringing Stephenie Meyer’s Breaking Dawn to the screen requires a graceful and intelligent hand and we believe Bill Condon is exactly the right steward, having shown equal and abundant talents of immense creativity and subtle sensitivity”

Translation: “Making Stephenie Meyer’s Breaking Dawn watchable requires someone who has seen a film before and possibly read the book, we believe Bill Condon is right for the job having totally won an Oscar and said he had heard of the films.”

Author Stephenie Meyer says: “I’m so thrilled that Bill wants to work with us. I think he’s going to be a great fit, and I’m excited to see what he does with the material.”

Translation: “I’m frankly amazed we managed to get him to work with us. I’m excited to see if he can make this book into a film less ridiculous that the rest.”

Bill Condon says: “I’m very excited to get the chance to bring the climax of this saga to life on-screen. As fans of the series know, this is a one-of-a-kind book – and we’re hoping to create an equally unique cinematic experience”

Translation: “I’m very excited to get a job as I haven’t really worked much since the Oscar. I really hope to distance this film from the other terrible predecessors and create a unique cinematic experience.”

What has Condon been doing since Dreamgirls?

Out Now – 2nd April 2010

We can move on from all the Kick Ass and How to Train Your Dragon release date confusion as today films come out for reals.

Clash of the Titans
All you really need to know has already been said; here is the pro and the con. I’m not seeing it because it’s 3D near me and I’m making a tiny little stand. Titans will clash, enough said.

Remember Me
Wooooo, it’s Edward from Twilight!!1! How dare Claire from Lost be kissing him, he’s Bella’s! This looks bad, saved possibly by the lovely Emilie De Ravin but I’m not going to risk it.

Psycho (limited release)
Psycho is a good film and is being re-released in some cinemas, though lord knows where. If it’s near you go and see it, it genuinely scared the crap out of me when I was far too young to be watching it.

Double Take (limited release)
I don’t remotely understand this film. It involves manipulated clips of Hitchcock along with footage from the era and a Hitchcock double to create a plot about a paranoid history professor. I want to see it just so I can understand it.

Samson & Delilah (limited release)
An Australian film following two young aboriginal teens who steal a car and go on a journey. Interesting.

Let’s Talk About The Eclipse Poster

Since its debut yesterday the new poster for The Twilight Sage: Eclipse has been treated with excitement and disgust in equal measure.
Some say it perfectly conveys the theme of Bella being torn between her two loves, others say it is boring and shoddily put together. I am not surprisingly in the latter group. Clearly Twilight is relying wholly on being so well known already that all that’s needed to plug the film are the actors and the title. They may be right but it’s all a bit lazy.

It’s this sheer lack of effort and imagination in both the promotion and the films themselves that makes me think Twilight is getting ahead of itself by wooing acclaimed directors.

As for the horrible photo-shopping on Kristen Stewart’s face, well that is hardly exclusive to this franchise. The art of poster design is still alive but harder and harder to find. It seems it would be much simpler to actually take photographs of the actors in certain poses rather than paste their faces in later.

You can see the full horror of Stewart’s egg shaped face below. A horror I cropped out in this entry’s header.

Twilight Gets Ideas Above Its Angsty Station

Kristen Stewart has confirmed that three Oscar nominated, and in two cases Oscar winning, directors have been approached to helm the final act in The Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn.

Gus Van Sant of Milk and Elephant fame is the only director to have confirmed having talks with Summit studios while Lost in Translation‘s Sofia Coppola and Dreamgirls‘ Bill Condon are merely rumoured at this point.

While it is nice to see Summit try to raise to their game for the final two films I would be amazed if they actually managed to get one of these acclaimed directors on board. Also as these are directors known for their signature styles – surely why they were chosen – would the final films look and feel different to their predecessors or would the director be forced to curtail their creative ideas to fit in with the franchise’s style?

Isn’t it a bit late in the game for Twilight to try and make a credible film, the first was an embarrassment. Most importantly if they get a good director am I going to be tempted to actually watch Breaking Dawn?