Out Now – 16th November 2012

Twilight family

For some strange reason, there aren’t many films going out on general release this week. If you don’t want to see the sparkly bloodsuckers, you’re most likely going to have to commit to subtitles or a music documentary.

UPDATE: I completely forgot that critically acclaimed Paul Thomas Anderson film The Master gets its nationwide screenings today as well. This is what happens when distributors confuse me with staggered release dates.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
And finally, we are done! Bella and Edward are safely married and have had their possibly vampiric baby, which means further sexiness is now permissible. I assume that if you’ve stuck with the previous four films, you’ll probably want to round them off with this one. If not, just carry on – nothing to see here.

Shirley, mother of five daughters all convinced they have mental illnesses, cracks herself and is sent to an asylum. In a fit of brilliant parenting, her husband employs a terrifying hitch-hiker (played by Toni Collette) as their new nanny.

Son of Sardar (limited release)
Bollywood action film about a family feud, including brothers who’ve sworn off ice-cream and cold drinks until they avenge their father’s death.

Amour (limited release)
Retired music teacher grandparents, Georges and Anne, have their elderly love tested when Anne suffers a stroke. Probably not a first date movie.

Happy Happy (limited release)
Kaja is happy despite a disinterested husband, at least until the perfect couple moves in next door. Uh oh!

Jason Becker: Not Dead Yet (limited release)
Documentary about Jason Becker. Who’s not dead yet. However, he does have the paralysing Lou Gehrig’s disease yet still manages to make music with his eyes. Yes, yes, very impressive, although is it really as much of a show of fortitude as me typing this post after burning my hand on my mushroom soup yesterday? It is? And I’m trivialising such achievement with my flippant remarks? Ah. Sorry about that.

Hit So Hard (limited release)
Speaking of trivialising musical achievements, another documentary but this time following Patty Schemel, who drummed with Hole, and her struggles with fame and addiction. Apparently she walks dogs now.

The Pool (limited release)
In Goa, a boy living in poverty becomes obsessed with a private swimming pool and the family who own it.

Up There (limited release)
Martin is fed up with his job welcoming the newly deceased into the afterlife, until he loses someone. So instead of going “up there” he has to come “down here” to track them down.

Out Now – 2nd November 2012

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
The Silent Hill video games scare me too much for me to play for more than five minutes and as such I haven’t completed a single game or managed to watch the first Silent Hill film. All I know is that if you like writhing nurses with large breast and no faces then this is the film for you.

Rust and Bone
A tale of loss, love, killer whales, and horrific accidents. Fair warning this film can induce screaming orgasms/panic attacks (who can tell the difference?) so take a brown paper bag and a packet of cigarettes.

For a Good Time, Call…
Two friends set up a phone sex line to make ends meet. Not one for the prudish.

Fun Size
On Halloween Wren’s little brother goes missing and she has to abandon her plans and find him before her mum finds out. This film is much less likely to contain “verbal references to a variety of sexual practices, including urination and defecation during sex, anal sex and breath restriction”.

Tempest (limited release)
Documentary about a group of teenagers meeting over the course of nine months to rehearse and perform Shakespeare’s last play.

The Shining (limited release)
In UK cinemas for the first time in its extended directors cut one of film’s classic horrors get a Halloween re-release. I have no real idea what was going on in that film but certainly nothing the Room 237 loons were suggesting.

Call Me Kuchu (limited release)
Documentary following Uganda’s first openly gay man as he campaigns against new legislation that would make homosexuality punishable by death.

Keep the Lights On (limited release)
“In Manhattan, filmmaker Erik bonds with closeted lawyer Paul after a fling. As their relationship becomes one fueled by highs, lows, and dysfunctional patterns, Erik struggles to negotiate his own boundaries while being true to himself.”

Excision (limited release)
“A disturbed and delusional high school student with aspirations of a career in medicine goes to extremes to earn the approval of her controlling mother.” Expect sex, violence, and gore – sometimes all at once.

The Master (Odeon West End only, 16 Nov nationwide)
The man who brought us the fantastic and slightly baffling There Will Be Blood returns with the story of a cult leader that may or may not be referring to Scientology.