Piranha 3DD – Film Review

Any film that involves a piranha swimming into a woman’s lady-parts (making an excellent ‘pop’ noise as it does so) and waits patiently for a number of days for the first chance it gets to bite a man’s hoo-hah off is a good film in my book*. Yes, the Piranha franchise is back with Piranha 3DD! Do you get it? They added the second ‘D’ because on top of the three dimensions the film is in, the producers are word-playing on the fact that there is a lot of screen time for boobs too! Those comedians.

With a completely plausible and serious plot, Piranha 3DD focuses on the tragic events of what happens when a North American town is plagued by prehistoric piranha (erupting from a dead, farting cow this time around) that have managed to navigate their way through man-made pipe systems into a stripper themed waterpark named … ‘Big Wet’. Oh my.

Seriously though, gratuitous reels of naked ladies aside, Piranha 3DD genuinely does manage to form a semi-decent plot, helped massively by a likeable cast led by Danielle Panabaker and Matt Bush (who, for the record, aren’t big-boobed and dripping wet). Sure, on the whole it might be the dumbest thing ever released [this month] but where else do we get to watch Christopher Lloyd champion “laughing diarrhoea baby” on Youtube, David Hasselhoff jiggle his own double D’s or enjoy a legless Marcellus Wallace cry like a baby in a baby pool? There is nowhere else for such absurdity! So just make do with this incredibly stupid but highly entertaining pornographic drama and enjoy it for what it is: an incredibly stupid but highly entertaining pornographic drama.

Additionally, as an advocate of 2D films I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t find ‘Piranha 2DD’ anywhere, but the 3D gets the job done well enough (it was filmed entirely in the format, unlike its predecessor) so I cannot really offer up any real complaints on that front.

Piranha 3DD is a ridiculous and heart-warming (you tell me Paul Sheer and Ving Rhames don’t have chemistry) waterslide of fun that will be keeping cinemagoers out of Stripper Waterparks for a long time. Funny, inane and with quotable dialogue to rival Anchorman, Piranha 3DD is too stupid to miss. Seeing The Avengers tonight? Get yourself to this instead, dummy!

*-If it’s in the trailer, it’s not a spoiler, you Negative Nancy.

For ‘Frolicsome film and pizza with friends’ Times

For ‘Film-making as an Art’

Not at the Oscars – Piranha 3D

Just kidding, I’ve totally run out of things to be indignant about.

As I have to be awake and coherent on Monday morning Mild Concern will be the least up to date on the internet when it comes to the Oscars. If you are wise enough to be spending the night awake and online I’d recommend checking out Ultra Culture who normally has a live feed going, and his twitter will provide suitably amusing commentary.

You should also go to www.livestream.com/picturehouses where the witty hosts of The Picturehouse Podcast will be live streaming their own brand of commentary if you don’t fancy what Sky have to offer.

Piranha 3D Strikes Back at James Cameron

Now I like a good bit of arty cinema from time to time and can often be heard bemoaning the amount of crap we are made to suffer through in cinemas, but I do value enjoyability quite highly. This is the reason that James Cameron’s comments earlier this week got to me so much. I don’t like self-important people insulting other, less successful, people’s work for no reason other to boost their own ego.

James Cameron had a good bit of a poke at Piranha 3D for cheapening 3D and turning it into a gimmick. Now one of the producers of this year’s greatest creature feature, Mark Canton, has retaliated in an articulate, brilliant and brutal fashion. One of my highlights is him drawing to attention the fact that Cameron was fired from directing Piranha 2.

I urge you to go to Movieline and read his full statement as it is glorious. If you’re too lazy then I’ve pasted it below. But don’t be lazy and do read the whole thing.

In fact I’ve just re-read the statement and I think it truly has something important to say beyond just the fact that Avatar isn’t the best thing since Citizen Kane. Mark Canton is my new hero.
Continue reading

James Cameron is a Prick

As it’s a Bank Holiday I will be lazy and copy and paste directly from the wonderful Movie|Line a quote from James Cameron. Only while they seem to agree with him I find him offensive prickish.

“I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but [Piranha 3D] is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip.”

Doesn’t re-releasing a film with a few extra minutes thrown in to make some more money cheapen the medium? How about making preachy film which rips off the plot of Pocahontas, and while nice to look at holds no real substance in dialogue or plot?

I have seen Avatar, Piranha 3D and Friday the 13th 3-D and I know which one I enjoyed the least.

Just when I get over disliking Cameron he pulls me back in!

A Few Random Thoughts

Here are three things I wanted to share with you this morning:

1. Piranha 3D will be getting a 3D sequel! This is great news. Hopefully this time they will actually film it in 3D as I also discovered yesterday that it was one of the many “converted” 3D films.

2. Who is Salt? I have it on good authority that it is indeed Angelina Jolie. I don’t have to see the film now right?

3. Scott Pilgrim vs the World comes out tomorrow. I hope you have your tickets booked and are ready to bore everyone at work silly come Thursday.

That’s all I have today I’m afraid. Watch this if you get bored.

Piranha 3D / Mega Piranha – Review

This weekend I have been investigating the small selection of new piranha based films, taking in Piranha 3D and The Asylum’s mockbuster Mega Piranha. Both films involving a lot of man-eating piranha’s but which one is the best? Let’s break it down.

Gore
Good gore costs money and Mega Piranha offers nothing more than the occasional bit of red water as people are often eaten out of shot, under the water or in one mouthful. Piranha however was a bounty of gore with a crushed skull, missing limbs, a split torso, multiple bony bits stripped of all flesh and one horrific moment with a face, some hair and a propeller.
Winner: Piranha

Laughs
The trouble with Mega Piranha was that it took itself a bit too seriously and as such had about two jokes throughout leaving the only humour stemming from the appalling acting on display. Piranha however played pretty much everything for laughs and ramping up the gore, and boobs, to such a degree that it was a joyful farce.
Winner: Piranha

Boobs
Mega Piranha clearly does not have the money to convince their cast to disrobe and as such has a total of two topless women, who it was explained on the DVD documentary were local prostitutes… lovely. Piranha, as with everything else, really pushed the boat out and made the most of its 18 rating. There’s even a dismembered penis for the ladies making a wonderful addition to the gore category.
Winner: Piranha

Piranhas
The piranhas in Piranha were well rendered little monsters but ultimately were quite small for the majority of the film. Their counterparts in Mega Piranha are really badly produced creatures but rapidly increased in size, by the end reaching the size of buses as they dive bombed buildings in a way reminiscent of Birdemic: Shock and Terror .
Winner: Draw

Plot
In Piranha an earthquake opening up an underground lake housing an extinct form of viscous piranha brought about disaster while in Mega Piranha scientists were trying to breed a fish that could grow to huge sizes and end world hunger. Both wonderfully schlocky premises worthy of a creature feature.
Winner: Draw

The clear winner here is Piranha or as it likes to be called Piranha 3D. Though it’s 3D is not the best I’ve seen, it is a hell of a lot of fun and worth the 90 minutes of your life.

Piranha is in cinemas nationwide now and Mega Piranha is available on DVD now.