Out Now – 2nd August 2013

The Smurfering

The Smurfs 2
When seeing Monsters University this week I was forced to watch a trailer for this in which a grey smurf told me through song that she was Vexy and that she knew it. It was a painful experience I would hate to stretch out to over an hour and a half.

The Heat
Sandra Bullock as an FBI Agent in an action comedy. I’m having painful flashbacks to Miss Congeniality. Never again!

Red 2
If you find the idea of old people doing a bit of running and then shooting things appealing but have watched Red too many times to enjoy it anymore then this is the film for you. For everyone else… well… even Bruce Willis doesn’t care.

The Conjuring
A good old-fashioned ghost story that is supposed to be genuinely scary. Considering I am easily spooked, and am currently being terrorised by the squirrel that lives in my bin, this film is likely to make me jump and scream multiple times. Precisely what you want from a horror.

Only God Forgives
Forget the super charming Ryan Gosling we have all come to know and love, we are returning to super violent Ryan Gosling who is just as likely to stamp on your skull as he is to give you a crooked smile. If this is half as good as Drive I will be pleased. Well… maybe a little better wouldn’t hurt.

Heaven’s Gate (limited re-release)
33 years after its initial release and Heaven’s Gate has been moved from an X certificate (essentially an 18 despite what an X might seem to imply) to a 15. Turns out “strong violence, sexual violence, sexualised nudity and language” just isn’t so shocking any more.

Paradise: Hope (limited release)
The third in Ulrich Seidl’s trilogy of Paradise films is here with just as little fanfare as the others.

From Up on Poppy Hill (limited release)
The latest from Studio Ghibli tells the story of the lead in to the 1964 Tokyo Olympics and two young teens who fight to save their school’s clubhouse from being knocked down. This is what the synopsis says anyway, the trailer is all about flags.

My Father and the Man in Black (limited release)
The untold story of Johnny Cash as told by his manager’s son. I hope his son knew Cash well because I would suck at making a documentary about anyone my dad manages.

Hipster Guide to Summer Cinema – August Edition

Hipster Guide to Summer Cinema - August Edition

We’re well into summer now and have experienced two months of quality hipster cinema so far this year. It’s not over yet! There is a whole month left in which to hide from the hellish sun, shelter in the shade of your nearest independent cinema, and fill your face with organic snacks while you watch anything other than One Direction – This Is Us.

2nd August 2013
From Up On Poppy Hill

If there is one studio a self-respecting hipster can actually allow themselves to get excited about it is Studio Ghibli with their array of distinctly non-Disney animated Japanese cinema. The latest from this master studio, directed by Goro Miyazaki, follows a group of Yokohama teenagers whose clubhouse is under threat of destruction as Japan prepares for the 1964 Olympic games. With the rest of the UK still basking in the glow of London 2012 what better than to watch a film where the Olympics are the bad guys?

Only God Forgives
Remember Drive? Remember how classy it was, how amazing Ryan Gosling was, and how sweet Carey Mulligan seemed? Now remember the bit with the head in the lift, and the wrist in the garage? All that tension and artistry punctuated by extreme bloody violence was courtesy of director Nicolas Winding Refn. Well Ryan and Nicolas are back with more tension, more violence, and more neon colours. I’m readying to flinch already.

7th August 2013
Alan Partridge Alpha Papa

The character of Alan Partridge was born in 1992 in the form of the host of BBC Radio 4’s Knowing Me, Knowing You… with Alan Partridge and 21 years later (mathematical!) he finally gets his own feature film. A Radio 4 character in a film? I think we all know that this fulfils any hipster’s requirements. You may need to overlook Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge as that was sponsored by Foster’s and may fall within the definition for the Hipster repellent sin of… SELLING OUT. The trailer makes me laugh every time I see it. Hipsters can laugh right?

14th August 2013
Kick-Ass 2

Should I include Kick Ass 2 in this list? Surely Super is the true hipster superhero film or even the Michael Rapaport-starring indie flick Special if you want to get even more obscure. Regardless of these smaller titlesĀ Kick Ass is certainly a different beast to the more established caped crusaders. With Kick Ass we’re not necessarily getting realism but actions most definitely have consequences and there is proper violence, proper swearing, and a comic book you are slightly more likely to have actually read as the source material.

23rd August 2013
Jurassic Park 3D

You can tell I was struggling for films to fill this list when I had to include a 3D film. Jurassic Park is a classic made of pure undiluted entertainment. Where the film truly succeeds is in making dinosaurs look real way before such a feat was commonplace and in making being a mathematician seem sexy. Has any mathematician anywhere ever been as cool as Jeff Goldblum? Plus the lawyer gets eaten as he hides on the toilet, which is satisfying for everyone to watch. If we’re really lucky they might do 2D screenings so we can smugly tell everyone that we are actively not watching it in 3D and pat ourselves on the back. Ever wondered what a hipster dinosaur looks like?

Amanda Seyfried is about to give one of those stark naked “brave” performances as she shakes free of her Mamma Mia! fame and plays a porn star famous for her role in a blue movie all about… erm… ahem… a lady who likes to please. I imagine this as being in the vein of Boogie Nights with a smorgasbord of bell bottom jeans and bare bottomed genes followed by everything going horribly wrong. Nudity and tragedy – the perfect evening out!

30th August 2013
Upstream Color

Words cannot describe how baffled this film left me when I saw it recently. Sadly at some point I will have to find some words that can and write what we call a “film review”. Writer/director/star Shane Carruth has only made one previous film, the indie time travel masterpiece Primer, so expectations are high for his follow-up. All I will say for the moment is that this film does not make it easy for the audience. The plot is (possibly) non-linear and the stark dialogue and mostly silent scenes leave no room for exposition. If you asked me to explain the plot now you would neither understand nor believe me. Truly baffling and just waiting to be embraced by a hipster weary of the straightforward and the mainstream.