Out Now – 6th April 2012

Titanic 3D
See the unsinkable ship sink in 3D! See Jack and Rose frolic, fornicate, and freeze to death! Remind yourself that James Cameron once made decent films and then marvel at how he has ruined it all by retrofitting Titanic with 3D.

Norwegian thriller in which an “accomplished headhunter risks everything to obtain a valuable painting owned by a former mercenary.” And when they say headhunter they actually do mean a recruitment consultant, who knew they led such exciting lives?

The Cold Light of Day
“After his family is kidnapped during their sailing trip in Spain, a young Wall Street trader is confronted by the people responsible: intelligence agents looking to recover a mysterious briefcase.” What!? It may be because I’m half asleep but that synopsis does nothing for me. Give them the suitcase and get your family back, don’t be a jerk.

La Grande Illusion (limited release)
Re-release of 1937 French film about two French soldiers in a German POW camp. My favourite part of the synopsis is the phrase “a seemingly impenetrable fortress which seems impossible to escape from”. I wonder if that fortress is easy to access?

This Must Be the Place (limited release)
Sean Penn plays a former rock star on a road trip to find the ex-Nazi who executed his father. Finally the showdown between a Nazi and Sean Penn in lipstick and a wig I’ve been waiting for.

Le Havre (limited release)
A French shoe shiner forms an unlikely friendship with an African boy when he arrives alone on a cargo ship in Le Havre. Could this be this week’s The Kid With a Bike, if so I will intend to see it but never quite manage to.

Return (limited release)
Soldier returns from the army and struggled to settle back into normal life so starts dressing her pets up in tiny flak jackets and makes them hold tiny guns. Some of that I made up.

North Sea Texas (limited release)
Dutch film about a teenage boy who falls for the boy next door. This is the perfect film to use to come out to the neighbour you’re in love with. Terry, I’m coming for you!

A Cat in Paris (limited release)
Short and stylish French animation about a rooftop adventure in Paris. Forget Le Havre, this is the French film I’m going to fail to see this week. I need to go to the cinema more.

666: The Prophecy (limited release)
“After the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.” Surprisingly in most countries this came out on 11/11/11 and was called 11-11-11. We’ve just got to be different.

A Gang Story/Les Lyonnais (limited release)
Long-winded synopsis here. Something about a gypsy camp and someone stealing cherries. I’m going to return to my slumber now.