NO OTHER FILM MATTERS TODAY!!!
NOT EVEN FELICITY JONES IN A FILM ABOUT VIBRATORS BEATS THIS!!!
Resident Evil: Retribution
The fifth (fifth!?) instalment in the Resident Evil series. Milla Jonovich is clearly terrible at killing zombies.
It’s funny comedy time as Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis play rival candidates for US congress. Not as funny as it should be say the reviews I have hastily read. Not enough time travels say I.
Barbara (limited release)
When I was 7 I found out that my teacher’s name was Barbara and it felt like the world’s most explosive revelation. Now Barbara is a film about a “doctor working in 1980s East Germany finds herself banished to a small country hospital.” So a German Doc Martin then?
Holy Motors (limited release)
Controversial art house drama about a man who is driven around town in a limo/dressing room taking on various guises/roles/characters. Essentially a series of short vignettes in which each shares a character playing a different character. Does that make any sense?
Husbands (limited re-release)
“A common friend’s sudden death brings three men, married with children, to reconsider their lives and ultimately leave together. But mindless enthusiasm for regained freedom will be short-lived.” Stars the late Peter Falk. Sad face.
The Babymakers (London only)
After a man’s sperm becomes lazy he plots to steal back some of his less lazy sperm from the sperm bank in order to impregnate his wife. He clearly should have put his sperm into a current account rather than whatever strict saver he seems to have become stuck in.
Cross of Honour/Into the White (limited release)
English and German pilots shoot each other down and are forced to struggle for survival together in the same isolated cabin in the Norwegian wilderness. With Rupert Grint among the cast this feel like the angsty camping segment of Deathly Hallows but with less sexy Emma Watson.